Brene Brown (a legend, look her up) advises that we never share while we are ‘rumbling’.
Given that she’s one of my favourite teachers and I really agree with that statement, it’s odd that here I am anyway, sharing in the middle of a rumble.
Here’s why (and I know, I’m aware some of you are already saying, ‘yes, but what’s a rumble, Danielle?’ All will become clear, I promise).
We spend a lot of time comparing our Insides to other people’s Outsides.
Actually, scrap that. I know I do the comparison thing. I’m making up that you do too, I have a hunch I’m pretty accurate though.
Right now, I seem to be spending a lot of time comparing my Current Insides to my Past Insides.
Know what I mean?
‘Ahh, those days when I fit comfortably into a Size 10 dress, I was happy then.’
‘Those days when I knew ALL the money that was coming into my bank account. Boy, that was a good feeling…’
Layer that up with All the Stupid Things I Have Done and Am Still Apparently Doing that Have Got Me Right Here and my mind is a right old mess right now.
Add a smattering of, You Really Better Start Making Things Happen Faster or it’s Two For One Beans for The Rest Of Our Lives and you’re starting to get it.
Smart Me has an amazing toolkit to handle this scenario.
She remembers that thoughts are not real and she brings herself back into the present moment. She seeks joy in the small things. She meditates serenely and even when the sea is rocky, she remembers not to get sucked in by the waves and to observe lovingly, knowing that all is well. She has bad days, but she doesn’t SEE them as bad, she just lets the feelings in, accepting that today, they simply are what is.
Sometimes, I think Smart Me is too smug for her own good.
Because even though I KNOW that thoughts are not real and life is for living in the present moment and I have literally THOUSANDS of moments in my memory bank that have proven this time and time again, sometimes I am SICK TO DEATH with the relentlessness of a mind that wants to live in drama where there is no drama.
Sometimes I don’t want to return to the discipline of watching my breath come in and out and remember that that’s all there is.
Sometimes I just want to cry and shout and scream and INDULGE in ALL the misery like a giant bowl of ice cream sundae that has a lot of Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup in it. I want to indulge till I feel even sicker.
And then I remember.
I remember that I know the path. I remember that I know this is all made up. I remember that right here, right now, I am safe. That nothing is going on in my life right now that is cause for worry whatsoever. And that breathing in and breathing out and getting right back here in the moment is what it takes to recover a mind that is going crazy and wild with ALL the thoughts.
And I still hate Smart Me a little bit, but also the corners of my mouth start to turn up in a wry smile, and I realise all I need to do right now, is finish typing this, get in my car and go for my physio session.
I need to let the thoughts come and go and lean out of my addiction to believing that they might be accurate.
I remember that whilst I am in a messy rumble right now, I know exactly where the door is. So even if I have to crawl there on my hands and knees, I must still head in that direction.
Because heading in that direction is the way to a rested still mind.
Even if it seems a million miles away right now, I still know exactly where it is.
Onwards friends.
Whilst I haven’t had a whole tonne of love for this particular rumble, I suspect there is some gold in there for you too.
Loving you,
Danielle
