This is not a blog. The words that follow are from the heart. They are raw, jagged, bold and heart breaking. It takes courage to express them, a depth unknown by many, to be able to then bring them into the light and share them. So please take a moment before you dive in. Be with this woman. And allow YOUR heart to hear hers. I have a sense that it could just rock your world too.
Confessions of a connection-a-holic!
When did this start people say? In all honestly, I really can’t remember. It’s been a difficult few years, my father in law became unwell, trying for the baby, having miscarriages, my husband’s business failing, my work misery and then starting my business, having two kids, my husband’s depression, a pandemic, home-schooling, sole income earner, job seeking, an abortion, the diagnosis, his Dad dying. I guess, I would call that just life, but when you look back, there is a lot in there.
I can clearly remember the way my Husband looked at me, with total pride and love. We were a unit, a partnership. I felt the same back. I will never forget that feeling of total contentment. I felt lucky. Really lucky. I felt loved. I felt connected.
Like I say, I’m not sure when this changed but within the last 2 years at least, we have grown apart. The contentment, light, love, and laughter have faded……. instead we have a grey cloud over hanging us, filled with anger, sadness and resentment. We rarely touch. We are administrators. We are parents. We have lost our magic, our connection. I look at other couples and feel envious. (I never used to)
Over the last two years, as this was brewing and had a deep hold on me, my mind, and my life, I have invested in me, to understand me better and gain tools to help me and those in my life. It has helped hugely.
My marriage is my biggest challenge yet. I so want to help “fix it”, but I need help in understanding my feelings and why I feel certain ways. That remains the only thing that has not become clearer. I am desperate for clarity and comfortable that this may be some time off.
Some days, I am so so angry at him I can barely look at him. I really struggle to see a King. In fact, I find it impossible at times, I really do.
We suffer in silence a lot (not a comfortable silence), a silence built on anger, resentment, and sadness. (Non-violent communication I think its coined!) Its not all bad, we have glimmers of light, where we can still make each other laugh and there is still warmth, we don’t hate each other but it can feel like it at times – during those silent horrid episodes, my heart definitely turns grey.
Those darker days are frequent, at least 2 weeks out of 4, we find it harder to be kinder, we are frustrated, and words rarely get said, we exist. I am afraid of anger, I don’t want it, so I shy away from my kettle boiling. Instead I keep it all in, when I erupt, I don’t like it. We are the same. No one brings each other out of it. We both sit deep in it, stubbornly awaiting a change. We have become people who bring out the worst rather than bring out the best.
I have noticed that my Husband does get angrier, more often. He has little tolerance for me raising conversations about his or my feelings, I have tried so many times. I have been open, letting him know that I long to feel loved, to feel adored, to feel his touch, to be intimate. Despite me raising these, nothing ever changes. Now I don’t raise it. Its pointless. He gets very defensive. It’s not just about him, it’s about me and what I would love my life to be and how I can become content again.
I hate being in the car with him, sometimes he can ignore me for hours. He is quite comfortable not speaking to me, he also can get so mad with road rage. I really hate it.
I know I am not perfect, far from it and my self-discovery has shown more “flaws” that I need to work on. However, I do try. I really do try. I have a wonderful family and friends network, whom I love, when my heart is grey, they bring colour back into it and that keeps me going. However, I feel we live a lie with them, as they don’t really know how “off” we can be with each other, how mean and sad we can make each other. I often feel ashamed by that.
He wishes I could be tidier, someone who runs a perfect house. I am not and will never be like that, but I do try my best to make our family life the best it can be for us. I am always thinking of what we can do, where we can go, what we need – its never ending. I may not have a pristine house, but I do put the effort in to our lives.
We go to bed every night and we do not touch. For years, I have said this has felt like we are flatmates and I KNOW that I have very deep resentment. How can he be happy like this? How can he not want to help me be happier, I have been open?
I know our backgrounds are very different and have therefore through our DNA offered us both entirely different expectations of marriage.
My mum and dad are a unit. They support each other unconditionally (even when they get on each other’s nerves) and they make each other happy. I had a lot of love and physical demonstration of that in my life and I remember how much love there was between my parents. I value them so so much and they play a huge role in our life. As a result, I have unintentionally developed a DNA for HIGH EXPECTATIONS.
His mum and dad had a complicated marriage and they separated. He often tells me of the lack of love and affection. He is the opposite with our kids, they are lucky to have him. As a result, I think He has unintentionally developed a DNA for LOW EXPECTATIONS.
Who knows, but all I know is we do have different value sets when it comes to family, and it can create tension for us.
I often wonder to myself, is this just you?
I hear the inner voice on a constant loop;
- You have too high expectations, many would be happy in your situation (I know, I know….)
- You are not compatible anymore
- You were never compatible
- You are not capable of marriage. Marriage is not for you.
- Maybe this is just your hormones, you are angry due to menopause
- Have you got your period?
- I’ve changed as a person
- He has changed as a person
I guess, I am so stuck I have no idea what to do next. When I see him with warmth, I wonder why I would ever think anything was wrong, but when I see him with hurt, anger, I want to be alone. I feel very alone a lot.
I don’t want us to have affairs. I can see Him doing this more than me. He likes attention more than me. He wants that more, the validation. I only want his. I don’t want anyone else’s. I am not sure if he can give me it.
I just want to understand why I feel this way and how we can understand why we have changed? I want to know how we can be happy again.
I want to know why I feel the way I do. I want him to know this, even read this. I want us to save us. But it needs us, not just me.
Feels nice to write something. Airs it differently.
This letter came to me privately – from a remarkable woman, who was feeling anything but. After months of working together, her only request; will you read it?
As I did, I noticed my own heart, its pace quickening and my Being saying – we know this journey. I checked in on old wound to see if it ached, if it was still even there. And smiled. It was long gone – replaced by a deep appreciation for the divine beauty of this Path of Life. The one that so often has us believe that our stories, our pain, shame, guilt, disappointment, regret, anger and fear are ours alone. Our burden or challenge to carry or to work out. To struggle, swallow down and retreat inward. It surely must be something wrong with Us. Into the cave we go, in the endless search for wisdom, when, from this place though we’re strong, we feel anything but and we’re tired. So tired.
As we sat together, I exhaled. I saw the look in her eyes. The nervousness, the nausea, the hesitance. And knew that from my visit to that same cave, many years before I had emerged with a new knowing.
The longer we stay with the “wrong” person, the lower our self-esteem becomes. That is why it is so hard to walk away. The lower your self-esteem, the easier it is to lose the ability to love yourself. To know yourself, to know what’s true. And if you don’t love yourself, you are more likely to hold on to the person who has proven to you, that right now, he is incapable of loving you.
You see, people show you who they are.
Its right there. In all the clues, the behaviours, the words, the unsaids.
Our only job is to believe them.
To drop the endless hoping, praying, fixing and instead accept this.
There is nothing “wrong” with him. Or you.
My darling girl, you simply have unmet needs.
There it was.
A flicker of light in her eyes.
A knowing that she didn’t need to be lonely or even alone.
That it may not be a time for action, now or ever. In fact there were infinite possibilities for how this could unfold.
Now though, she did know there was a choice.
And that the power of that and the clarity within it, was Hers.
The smile said it all.
Let’s be remarkable TOGETHER
The together is in capitals because I also know this. Our stories and lives are entwined. For centuries women have come together and shared their wisdom. Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence and judgement. Let’s stop pretending we know how to do it all. It’s a lie, one that hurts us and those looking for their Lighthouse.