I’ve made it a mission of mine over many years to uncover what the biggest things are that hold us back.
Over time, I have become crystal clear that whenever something is not happening that I believe I really want, it is always me, standing back smack in my own way.
Usually with a giant STOP sign and some metaphorical barbed wire.
GO NO FURTHER LADY. I am saying to myself. You don’t really want this at all.
I keep on thinking I’m doing ALL the right things and it’s simply not happening for me, until I remember that’s just not how it works at all.
Once I remember I’m in my own way, I simply have to work out how.
Here’s what I recently discovered…
Several months ago, Nic directed me to an audio recording where one of the world’s leading coaching gurus was teaching a lesson. At some point in the recording, I was triggered.
He said something along the lines of, ‘Because of this technique, my wife and I haven’t had an argument in ten years’.
‘For goodness sake!’ I spluttered at the laptop (obviously it was more sweary than that, but you get my drift). ‘What a total load of nonsense. As if it’s possible to never have an argument. What, is he married to a ROBOT?’.
The next day, I met with Nic.
‘I did not like that audio’. I tell her in my best commanding, Don’t Mess With Me voice.
‘You didn’t?’ she asks innocently, which tells me I am not getting away with this one lady…oh no.
‘No. I mean he may have had a point for sure, but it’s hard to hear it when he exaggerates and tells everyone he has some kind of blissful argument free marriage. I mean, frankly, he sounds like the kind of guy I would argue with straight away.’.
‘Ah’ says Nic.
I hate it when Nic says ‘Ah’.
It is a well-known noise in my life.
It means ‘Ah. You might want to take a look at yourself there, before you go any further’.
I refused of course and moved us into another topic. I do that sometimes.
She is a bit of a saint really, working with me.
That, and she knows I’ll get there eventually. Because I do hear the ‘Ah’ and know what it means, it’s just I don’t like it very much at the time.
Months later, I was already on track with understanding what was going on for me on this particular topic, when I came across ‘The Big Leap’ by Gay Hendricks.
(You know what I say, ‘the answer’s always in a book’. ‘It is?’ says Nic, which is a bit like her saying ‘Ah’ but a slightly different way of putting it).
So before I explain what’s going on, ask yourself the questions that Gay proposes right at the beginning of the book.
I’ve been asking them a lot of clients recently and it’s great fun uncovering what comes out.
Question 1: “Am I willing to increase the amount of time that I feel good inside every day?”
I’m pretty sure you will have said ‘yes’ to this. I mean it would be daft not to right?
Try this one then.
Question 2: “Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well?”
You might be thinking by now, ‘These are particularly stupid questions. Of course I am willing to increase the amount of time my whole life goes well. I should stop reading this blog, she has gone a bit bonkers.”
Stay. For Question 3.
“Am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time?”
And there my friend, there in that simple question, you have the key to how we hold ourselves back.
You see, almost everyone I have asked this question to, has looked at me and said,
“Danielle, you can’t feel good and have life go well ALL the time. Because life. Because struggles. Because cancer. Because dying. Because redundancy and divorce and world hunger and…”
I get it. Truly I do. Because life. Struggles. Cancer. Dying. Redundancy. Divorce. Hunger. Homelessness. And a whole pile of other shitty things are happening to people every day of the year. Every second of every day.
Sometimes they even happen to us.
I get it.
Sometimes they happen to me.
Sometimes they happen to Nic.
When we refuse to believe that something could even be possible, we lower the bar of what can show up in our lives.
Let me say that again, because I know you weren’t all listening.
When we refuse to believe that something could be possible, we lower the bar of what can show up in our lives.
If you refuse to believe that it is possible to have a marriage without arguments, then you will never put any effort into creating one.
If you refuse to believe that you will ever be any good at parallel parking, you will always reverse into that space with the belief that you are going to do a bad job of it.
If you refuse to believe that it is possible to experience joy every single day, you will stop looking for the joy in every single day.
Get it? Let me say more.
When I’m working with clients, the next question is often here…
‘Yes, but HOW Danielle? How is it possible to be joyful every single day. Because life. Struggles. Divorce. Grief…’
And I say this.
“What if you didn’t need to know how?”
What if you could say, ‘I don’t know HOW and I am still willing to believe IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE’ and you created your life from there?
- No-one knew how humans could fly before the plane was invented.
- No-one knew how you could make tiny images appear in black boxes in our living rooms to tell us stories until we discovered the TV.
- No-one knew how to get to the moon until one day we did.
- No-one knows how to create world peace. Yet.
I for one, hope that those who have dedicated their lives to working it out continue to give it their very best attention, every single day, until we do.
You see that’s the beauty of belief my friend, it propels us forward. It makes us ask new questions and open our eyes to new possibilities.
Without the belief that something could be possible, we never get started. We never explore, look around, try, fall and rise again.
So whatever it is that’s not happening in your life right now, I urge you to check in with your deepest beliefs.
Do you even believe it’s possible to get that new promotion?
To find a relationship that makes his heart pound as much as yours?
To live in that country you’ve always dreamed about?
To heal the wounds that your mother or father left in you?
To wake up every single day and experience joy?
Because if you don’t believe it’s possible, you might want to take a good old look at that and how it’s getting right in your way.
I believe in you and the magic you can create everywhere you go.
It’s time for you to start believing too.
Big love. Always.